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Where were you on the night of 20th January? ANSWER ME, YOU FUCK! Not a talker, yeah? No problem. You'll talk eventually. They all do.

We have an overwhelming amount of evidence that suggests that you were the one responsible for turning typescript's type system into it's own purely functional programming language. What kind of a sick, twisted man, does that? You're gonna be spending a lot of time behind bars for this.

The reports suggest that you can even read/write files, perform basic io and even interop with js from it?

Take a look at some of the crime scene photos.

export type main = [
  PutStringLn<'Greetotron 6000 initializing...'>,

  PutString<'Your name? '>,
  Bind<ReadLine, <name extends string>() => PutStringLn<`Hello, ${name}`>>,

  PutString<'Your purpose in life? '>,
  Bind<ReadLine, HandleResponse>,

  PutStringLn<'Bye bye'>,
]

// Equivalent to `HandleResponse :: string -> Effect ()`
interface HandleResponse extends Kind1<string, Effect> {
  return: Do<[
    PutStringLn<`Interesting that you believe "${this['input']}" is your purpose. Hmmmm...`>,
    PutStringLn<'Judging harshly...'>,
    PutStringLn<'Saving response...'>,
    WriteFile<'./response.txt', this['input']>,
  ]>
}

Do you feel any remorse for the victims you've affected? I hope you get the chair for this.

We also found the murder weapon on the crime scene - npx tsr run ./somefile.ts. Not just that, it says here you built the weapon yourself using ts-morph as a wrapper around the typescript compiler. Did you use the source file as your runtime representation of memory, you piece of shit?! But, we're getting a bit ahead of ourselves here.

Let's get to the motive which is the only piece of the puzzle we're missing. Why would a mediocre software developer suddenly go postal and make something like this? Did someone pay you to do this? Is that what this is about? Money? Naah. This was a little more personal than that. I have a theory for why you did it. And it's as simple as it gets. You're a sick man who enjoys watching people cringe and suffer. Is that what this blog post is about? More cringe?

We've even figured out how you smuggled all the results of the io back into the program. It was a result node, wasn't it? A stray object that you injected properties into, you sick fuck. Was that your runtime representation of memory? You just used the randomly generated property name to access the result in your effects.

type __$result = {
  '90sd9...': { output: 'Result of computation' }
}

Another thing that's been bugging me is,

Why is the effects api monadic?

Was it because you wanted all operations on the results represented in the type tree so you could manipulate it?

You disgust me. In my 20 years on the force, I've never met a man as disturbed as you. Don't bother pleading insanity here though. This was calculated. No one is going to buy it.

Remember your hacky attempts at first class functions?

We have it in our custody and it's talking like a parrot. Telling us everything we need to know about your sick experiments!

interface Greet extends Kind1<string, string> {
  return: `Hello, ${this['input']}!`
}

type msg = Apply<Greet, 'EdibleMonad'> // : 'Hello, EdibleMonad!'

Yeah, we got you now, you bastard!

You weren't satisfied with this tho, were you? You wanted your first-class functions to be inline. You needed it. So you made your runtime recognize lambda functions as first-class functions.

type main = Bind<
  ReadFile<'./file.txt'>,
  <T extends string>() => PutStringLn<T>
>

But this is where you fucked up. You couldn't generalize this as a pattern because typescript doesn't work like that. Typescript doesn't support higher kinded types, dumbass! So you settled for only allowing this pattern inside Bind and Try. You flew too close to the sun, Icarus and it lead us straight to you.

You're done, buddy. This case is as good as closed so you might as well confess.

Alright! Alright! I confess!

It was me who did it. I made the runtime that turns typescript types into a purely functional programming language! I did it because I fucking wanted to! And I enjoyed every second of it!

I saw people making things that defied all logic, like an assembly interpreter within the typescript type-system. I knew if I wanted to make it do something more, I'll need a runtime! That's when I came up with my master plan.

I don't regret a thing! I've made my mark on the world even if that mark is a piss stain on the side of the street.

---

Akshay was charged with cringe and sentenced to death by lethal injection. It was later discovered that this wasn't all that big of a deal and completely blown out of proportion